Well, that's me! *waves*
Yup. I think this is what happens when a perfectionist gets really tired. It's sort of like what happens to a star when it dies out, it turns into a black hole, caves in on itself, and creates a vortex of timeless nothing into which it sucks every passing piece of matter that crosses it's path.
Sadness : (
This entire becoming a black hole of a person is definitely not a fun experience. You may have been an extrovert or a pleasant introvert at some point, but not anymore, now you are a self-obsessed introvert. Yay.
Since this has happened, I've found myself contained in a convoluted bubble of fear, dreams, happiness, very deep sadness, and hope. The one pleasant thing about this tiny little world that my brain seems to have encased me in is happiness. Being stuck in a bubble of happiness is pretty pleasant when it happens. On the other hand, the opposite and most difficult aspect of this bubble is hope.
Usually, hope is a good thing but when you start to hope for things that you don't have the energy or means to achieve (which is kind of what being a loser means), you fail and inevitably fall into a very deep sadness.
For me, being in that pit of sadness is like being run over by several eighteen wheeler trucks and then burned alive : ( So, instead of going through that over and over again, what I'm going to go ahead and do today is smash hope to pieces by embracing the fact that, for me, hope is pointless.
This way, when hope tries to pop it's way back into my head, which it will because it always does, I will refer to this post to remind myself that the things my brain is urging me to hope for are simply never going to happen.
Hopes that have no point:
1. There's no point in hoping I'll write a good YA book. My stories have ludicrous plots, flat characters who no one cares enough about to root for, and the writing style/voice is always, for some reason, that of an ADD 8 year old's. This isn't to say that I shouldn't write, I have to write, that's a given, but the point is that it will always be sub par.
2. There's no point in hoping I'll make a film or YouTube series or anything that the public in general, or even a few people, will enjoy and be inspired by.
3. There's no point in trying to raise my voice above the crowds because no one cares about what I have to say. Why would they? Am I Einstein or Oprah or even a reality star? No. I'm just an average person with an average opinion. Sure, my opinions matter to me, but no one else cares nor do they have to. I am one potato in a giant bag of potatoes.
So, there it is. From society's point of view, I'm going to be a loser, it's determined by my DNA and as there's no point in trying to rewrite my DNA, I officially give up on denying my identity, I am a loser.
Also, if anyone other than me happens to be reading this, please know that you're most likely NOT a loser. Really, most people aren't, most people DO have talent, they just have to work at it until they get where they want to be. This post isn't meant to make anyone feel bad, it's just a reminder for myself and I'm posting it online because if I write it down, I'll accidentally throw it away.