A lot of times when I'm with a group of nice people, it'll suddenly hit me that I am by far and unquestionably the weirdest person in the room. It'll happen when I'm hanging out with my brother, his wife, and a couple of their friends. I'm busily refreshing my oh-dear-god-please-like-me-and-just-think-I'm-normal-please-please-please... fake grin as I nod and try to keep up with whatever their friend is talking about. Amidst my neurotic grinning, I realize how hard I'm trying and my mind drifts... I'll wonder why I'm "trying" to be a human. Do other people "try" to appear human? What's wrong with me? Am I not human? By now, the conversation around me has moved on and I'm sitting there wondering what it means to be a person and if it's any better than being a tree or a snail or a dimming lamppost in a bad neighborhood because what does it matter anyway? If we're all here only to fulfill the law of entropy- does it matter whether or not I'm properly human? And then I'll blurt this out in an oddly packaged question like, "Hey, guys- do you think we'd be happier if we were, like, android versions of ourselves?" There's silence followed by strained laughter and the sound of my brother sighing. And that's when I realize I've embarrassed my sister-in-law, confused their guest, and revealed my true identity: I am the weirdest one in the room. My face burning, I sit back and quietly stew in the stench of my weirdness.
Where does this weirdness come from?
Weirdness is okay. It leads to creativity, to new perspectives, to great conversation-starters and all sorts of wonderful things. But taking time to compose lengthy blog posts called "The Weirdest One in the Room" and analyzing oneself with the self-indulgence of a feminist poet on an episode of Portlandia takes it to a whole new level. And at this level, I think it boils down to introversion that's gone stank and morphed into extreme self-centeredness. Is this bad? Yep. To spend so much time harping on one's inner turmoil, instead of on the moment to moment events in life and to the people comprising them is dangerous. Happiness doesn't come from selfishness, it comes from the inner-peace synonymous with giving.
What will make the weirdness go away?
Instead of constantly tuning out of the conversations around me to analyze that age-old question, "What's wrong with me?" I need to start looking at the people around me and silently ask questions about them. In other words, I need to get interested in people again. Get out of my head, and live in the world, care about people, be a person who's interested in more than just themself.
In Los Angeles, I noticed that most of the people I had daily interactions with displayed an innate interest in others. When I moved back to Baton Rouge, I didn't notice that quality in my peers- especially the Louisiana natives. Instead, I often saw a deep sadness and fear that had morphed into a refusal to acknowledge the people around them. I told myself I wasn't going to become like that- but here I am becoming exactly that. Well, maybe a weirder version of it. But I want the fear-based self-centeredness to go away and I think the key to making it go away is to actively care about other people, That'll force me to get out of my own head.
What was the point of this post?
I don't really know...I'm kind of just rambling : ) I guess the point is that it's okay to be weird (because really, being human means being odd) but it's not okay to be a self-centered weirdo.
Where does this weirdness come from?
Weirdness is okay. It leads to creativity, to new perspectives, to great conversation-starters and all sorts of wonderful things. But taking time to compose lengthy blog posts called "The Weirdest One in the Room" and analyzing oneself with the self-indulgence of a feminist poet on an episode of Portlandia takes it to a whole new level. And at this level, I think it boils down to introversion that's gone stank and morphed into extreme self-centeredness. Is this bad? Yep. To spend so much time harping on one's inner turmoil, instead of on the moment to moment events in life and to the people comprising them is dangerous. Happiness doesn't come from selfishness, it comes from the inner-peace synonymous with giving.
What will make the weirdness go away?
Instead of constantly tuning out of the conversations around me to analyze that age-old question, "What's wrong with me?" I need to start looking at the people around me and silently ask questions about them. In other words, I need to get interested in people again. Get out of my head, and live in the world, care about people, be a person who's interested in more than just themself.
In Los Angeles, I noticed that most of the people I had daily interactions with displayed an innate interest in others. When I moved back to Baton Rouge, I didn't notice that quality in my peers- especially the Louisiana natives. Instead, I often saw a deep sadness and fear that had morphed into a refusal to acknowledge the people around them. I told myself I wasn't going to become like that- but here I am becoming exactly that. Well, maybe a weirder version of it. But I want the fear-based self-centeredness to go away and I think the key to making it go away is to actively care about other people, That'll force me to get out of my own head.
What was the point of this post?
I don't really know...I'm kind of just rambling : ) I guess the point is that it's okay to be weird (because really, being human means being odd) but it's not okay to be a self-centered weirdo.
RSS Feed
